I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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