I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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