so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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