Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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