Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
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