either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
