new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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