I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
