and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
