how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
