im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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