Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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