I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
