Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
