First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
