Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
