Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
i think i just lost a toe
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
