I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
