Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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