he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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