are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
How external is "for external use only"?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
as a side note pls kill me
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