I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
