I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Boobs speak an international language.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize