I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
