why didn't you poke me back
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
