Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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