can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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