If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
