my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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