i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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