Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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