for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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