zippers are such a cool invention
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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