you guys were way drunker than both of me
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
