Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
