took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize