We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
