my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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