do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize