It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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