So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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