I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
