I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
