dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
