I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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