you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
