Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
