My girlfriend figured out who you are.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize