I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
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