1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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