He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
