so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
