Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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