You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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